I love this. I'm always purging. Some of that is easy, some is less so. I know my sons won't want a lot of what we have, especially all the brown furniture that I shipped from NJ to CA when my parents (born in the 1920s, adopted me when they were 40) asked me if I wanted anything. I did. I love most of it and haven't kept what I don't. I do happen to have a mahogany secretary. But my sons won't want or need it.
The other day though, my 33 year old said, "It's kind of like a museum in some parts of our house. It's really cool." And it is. I have WW2 items, even some WW1 items. Furniture that is over 100 years old. I realize the value is diminished these days, but it's still lovely and so interesting to me. I try not to just keep things boxed up, but I ask myself sometimes, if I were moving, would I take this with me. The answer is often no.
I have books, a Lionel train set, and some small items that are over a 100 years old too. None of us will want them going forward. I'm hoping to find a buyer for them some day. Guess I better start now...not getting any younger. As you so smartly said, it becomes a job. One that I doubt I'll want much longer.
I love your son’s description of parts of the house feeling like a museum. Those pieces clearly hold real history and beauty, even if no one in the family will want them next. And that question, “Would I take this with me if I moved?” is such a useful one. Starting now, little by little, sounds very wise.
My mother-in-law tried to hand down her sterling silver two years before she passed. We didn't have the cabinet or the dinner parties for it. She was hurt for a week, then relieved we still wanted her recipe box instead.
I see the same thing on the court with players in their 70s who hold onto an old paddle or a playing style just because that's how they learned. Letting go isn't rejecting the person who gave it to you. It's just making room for your own life.
Curious how this goes when the parent initiates the conversation instead of the kid. Same pause either way?
I write Elevate Your Pickleball Game, mostly for the 60-plus crowd chasing one more level of improvement. Lot of overlap with your readers on aging well. Happy to swap a mention sometime if it fits.
My mother put herself into the hospital with an anxiety attack 20+ years ago after her step-father died because she didn't like their furniture but felt too guilty to sell it. I told her, "Mom! It's OK! It was theirs and you don't have to make it yours!" Ugh. She actually sold some things through consignment but never cashed the check because of that guilt!
She finally just kept some of the things that were really meaningful to her. And that was good!
After widowhood, I was going to downsize (about five years ago). I asked my kids - do you want X, Y, Z, telling them what I had previously told my mom. I was fully prepared to hear "NO" and did, for many things. Then I got rid of those things. I do not want them to have to go through what my mom went through, even though I'm not sure they would feel the same way(s) she did. But anyway. No more yearbooks in my house (they're available online anyway, in case the kids want to see our senior photos). No more sets of china (which, honestly, I didn't even use anyway). So much stuff gone. I still have more to go, but at least most of those things are being used right now.
Anyway. Good advice and gently written!! Thank you!
That line, “It was theirs and you don’t have to make it yours,” says so much. The guilt can become heavier than the objects themselves. I love that you kept what was truly meaningful, let the rest go, and gave your own children the same freedom.
I’ve become increasingly less sentimental about objects as the decades have rolled on and as I have moved and moved and moved. With each move, less was brought along to the next place. I am now down to, maybe, three boxes of things that belonged to my parents. As far as my husband’s parents go, there is one box. I still have a whole bunch of things we ourselves have collected on our travels (we were never much for fancy Sunday dinners and I have never owned a set of china) but, even then, every few months another bag of “stuff” goes to the charity shops. Every so often I invite my younger granddaughter over to see if she is interested in any of the jewelry that I am downsizing. Nothing is super expensive, just stuff I won’t wear anymore but, yes, I have held onto a couple of my mother’s things still. What my granddaughter has done with the jewelry I don’t know. My daughter has some jewelry I gave her years ago that I know is tangled in one of her drawers. Oh well.
One thing I suggest, though, if someone really wants to leave “things” behind is, for goodness’ sake label them with why you kept them. Or write them into your family history that you’re leaving behind. Seriously. My mother in law did that and it brought much more meaning to a conch shell that had a tiny label “picked up from the beaches of Hawaii on my first trip in 1970 with my new husband….” Or the heavy silver vanity mirror that I know that my grandfather gave my mother for her 18th birthday. Coupled with the family history photos that are online and the history I’ve written that goes with, at least those objects can mean something.
That’s such a good point about labeling the things we keep. The story can be what turns an ordinary shell or mirror into something worth holding onto. And I smiled at the tangled jewelry in the drawer. Sometimes we pass things on, then have to let go of what happens next.
I love this. I'm always purging. Some of that is easy, some is less so. I know my sons won't want a lot of what we have, especially all the brown furniture that I shipped from NJ to CA when my parents (born in the 1920s, adopted me when they were 40) asked me if I wanted anything. I did. I love most of it and haven't kept what I don't. I do happen to have a mahogany secretary. But my sons won't want or need it.
The other day though, my 33 year old said, "It's kind of like a museum in some parts of our house. It's really cool." And it is. I have WW2 items, even some WW1 items. Furniture that is over 100 years old. I realize the value is diminished these days, but it's still lovely and so interesting to me. I try not to just keep things boxed up, but I ask myself sometimes, if I were moving, would I take this with me. The answer is often no.
I have books, a Lionel train set, and some small items that are over a 100 years old too. None of us will want them going forward. I'm hoping to find a buyer for them some day. Guess I better start now...not getting any younger. As you so smartly said, it becomes a job. One that I doubt I'll want much longer.
I love your son’s description of parts of the house feeling like a museum. Those pieces clearly hold real history and beauty, even if no one in the family will want them next. And that question, “Would I take this with me if I moved?” is such a useful one. Starting now, little by little, sounds very wise.
My mother-in-law tried to hand down her sterling silver two years before she passed. We didn't have the cabinet or the dinner parties for it. She was hurt for a week, then relieved we still wanted her recipe box instead.
I see the same thing on the court with players in their 70s who hold onto an old paddle or a playing style just because that's how they learned. Letting go isn't rejecting the person who gave it to you. It's just making room for your own life.
Curious how this goes when the parent initiates the conversation instead of the kid. Same pause either way?
I write Elevate Your Pickleball Game, mostly for the 60-plus crowd chasing one more level of improvement. Lot of overlap with your readers on aging well. Happy to swap a mention sometime if it fits.
My mother put herself into the hospital with an anxiety attack 20+ years ago after her step-father died because she didn't like their furniture but felt too guilty to sell it. I told her, "Mom! It's OK! It was theirs and you don't have to make it yours!" Ugh. She actually sold some things through consignment but never cashed the check because of that guilt!
She finally just kept some of the things that were really meaningful to her. And that was good!
After widowhood, I was going to downsize (about five years ago). I asked my kids - do you want X, Y, Z, telling them what I had previously told my mom. I was fully prepared to hear "NO" and did, for many things. Then I got rid of those things. I do not want them to have to go through what my mom went through, even though I'm not sure they would feel the same way(s) she did. But anyway. No more yearbooks in my house (they're available online anyway, in case the kids want to see our senior photos). No more sets of china (which, honestly, I didn't even use anyway). So much stuff gone. I still have more to go, but at least most of those things are being used right now.
Anyway. Good advice and gently written!! Thank you!
That line, “It was theirs and you don’t have to make it yours,” says so much. The guilt can become heavier than the objects themselves. I love that you kept what was truly meaningful, let the rest go, and gave your own children the same freedom.
Remember what Joan Didion replied when asked why she used the silver every day: “Every day is all there is.”
Yes! Such a simple reminder to use and enjoy the things we’re saving for “someday.”…
I’ve become increasingly less sentimental about objects as the decades have rolled on and as I have moved and moved and moved. With each move, less was brought along to the next place. I am now down to, maybe, three boxes of things that belonged to my parents. As far as my husband’s parents go, there is one box. I still have a whole bunch of things we ourselves have collected on our travels (we were never much for fancy Sunday dinners and I have never owned a set of china) but, even then, every few months another bag of “stuff” goes to the charity shops. Every so often I invite my younger granddaughter over to see if she is interested in any of the jewelry that I am downsizing. Nothing is super expensive, just stuff I won’t wear anymore but, yes, I have held onto a couple of my mother’s things still. What my granddaughter has done with the jewelry I don’t know. My daughter has some jewelry I gave her years ago that I know is tangled in one of her drawers. Oh well.
One thing I suggest, though, if someone really wants to leave “things” behind is, for goodness’ sake label them with why you kept them. Or write them into your family history that you’re leaving behind. Seriously. My mother in law did that and it brought much more meaning to a conch shell that had a tiny label “picked up from the beaches of Hawaii on my first trip in 1970 with my new husband….” Or the heavy silver vanity mirror that I know that my grandfather gave my mother for her 18th birthday. Coupled with the family history photos that are online and the history I’ve written that goes with, at least those objects can mean something.
That’s such a good point about labeling the things we keep. The story can be what turns an ordinary shell or mirror into something worth holding onto. And I smiled at the tangled jewelry in the drawer. Sometimes we pass things on, then have to let go of what happens next.
Love that last paragraph!