My husband and I are in our mid-70s. We are in the process of creating an irrevocable trust with our daughter. We moved from Scottsdale, Arizona to Louisville, Kentucky to be closer to her. She is our only child. We are now a mile apart. We bought a condo garden home in a 48 home neighborhood. We're 95% of the people are retired. I have made close friends with a group here in this development. We go out to dinner regularly and play bunco, dominoes and cards together. I found a church that is supportive and people in the community go there as well. It is ideal for now. I continue to declutter and organize so my daughter will not have to deal with this and not have to go through probate as I did with my mother and brother.
What a thoughtful setup. Being close to your daughter, building a strong local community, and simplifying things now can make a huge difference later. It sounds like you’ve created a life that gives both connection and peace of mind. ❤️
What a thoughtful article - having seen my mother fight it tooth and nail, I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to move whilst I’m still able to decide myself and not be ‘placed’ - I’m only 17 years behind her and she’s put me through hell with her demanding care and I’m not prepared to do that to my own darling son.
It’s nice to read the comments of people decluttering to save their children the task.
That sounds like a hard-earned decision. I’ve heard similar reflections from others who have been caregivers. Hopefully it gives you a chance to make the choice on your own terms. ❤️
So interesting. In 2020, we did move to a CCRC a bit sooner than planned after situating in The Villages in Florida two years. That is a 55+ community. Yes, they are different. Before the move to Florida, we did sell a couple of homes tied to work locations but kept a home in West Jefferson that we consistently returned to every summer/fall. Last summer we sold that home - I simply felt it was now time to do so and make the CCRC our year round home primarily for availability of healthcare options. This fall after we moved my husband was diagnosed with heart blockages and had double bypass surgery just before Thanksgiving. I was/am so grateful we are here! The community we are in is not isolated so we have access to many options and family. We live in an “independent living” home. Being able to afford the healthcare services is a benefit. I am grateful.
What a powerful reminder that timing matters. I’m so glad you had access to the care and support you needed when your husband faced that health scare. Thank you for sharing your experience, Susan. ❤️
Thank you for sharing that, Robert. These conversations aren’t always easy to have, but I’m glad the article gave you and your wife something meaningful to think about!
.I have definitely considered this situation. If I end up living alone, I will likely need to consider a change. My family has lived in this property, which I inherited from my grandfather, for over 40 years. Our family history here goes back over a hundred years. Our children live nearby, approximately five miles away. I am familiar with the different levels of assisted living, as we guided my mother-in-law through those options.
This sounds like a thoughtful way to look at it. Having your children nearby and already being familiar with the options gives you more flexibility if your needs change down the road. For now, it sounds like you have strong roots exactly where you are.
'A note on money' - I look forward to the post where you cover that. I don't own a home. For 45 years, I've lived in an upper apartment in an old house on the outskirts of a good-sized village. I'd love to stay here, but I doubt I'll be able to because of the stairs, since I have knee and ankle issues. So, when I move, it will likely be to another apartment since I don't have the equity to afford to live in senior living. In the meantime, you've given me a lot to think about.
Thanks for sharing that, Maggie. It sounds like you’re thinking about this very realistically, and that’s a big part of planning well. I’m glad the article gave you a few things to consider, and I’ll definitely be writing more about the financial side too. ❤️
What a great article, so thought provoking! I am recently retired and now in my early 60's. I have been watching the decisions my mother-in-law, in her mid 80's, has been making. She has has been a wonderful model to follow because she has made decisions ahead of any emergencies. It has helped me with both my life plan and my financial plan. I have moves and downsizing built into my plans. The questions you have posed in the article will be questions I need to consider along the way to move those plans to actions.
I love that. It sounds like your mother-in-law has given you a real-world example of how much easier things can be when some of those decisions are made before they’re urgent. I’m glad the questions were helpful as you think through your own plans!
This is wonderfully thorough , thoughtful and positive information. Wish I could print it out to read and reread. It’s just what so many of us need. Thank you!
We moved to a CCRC and then left so have seen and considered both sides of the coin. There was much to recommend the community, especially the support services, many varied housing options and a very caring and interesting population. They get bad raps but a good one is a great option.
That said, the distance from our families, the regional and internal politics and extreme weather did not ultimately work for us. Back in my old community, I miss the connections. My old friends have mostly moved away or died. For now we can manage and I am trying to build new friendships. It would be easier if I enjoyed games. There is a organization called « Villages » (insert your town name first) which is an organization that offers support services and social opportunities designed to keep elders in their own homes. A great idea!
Thank you for sharing this- I really appreciate hearing from someone who’s experienced both sides. It sounds like there isn’t one right answer, it really depends on the community and on what matters most to each person. I hadn’t heard of Villages before, thank you for mentioning it.
We’ve been through this with our 90+ year old mothers over the last seven years. The contrast is stark - my mother/-in-law chose where she wanted to go (although admittedly forced to it by her children taking away the car) and seven years later sees it as home and is happy there even with serious dementia. My mother refused to leave her apartment despite increasing physical and mental difficulties- she detested the thought of a senior’s residence and said she would rather be put to sleep. Needless to say she ended up having a serious incident that put her in the hospital and was unable to return home. I found her the best place available but she hated it, didn’t understand where she was or why, and was miserable (and made me miserable) for the final two years of her life. My husband and I are already making the decisions about our future before we get there, determined not to put our son in the position I have been in.
My parents moved to a 55+ community after being snow birds for years. They watched their friends and neighbors die or move to assisted living. They lived to their late nineties with an assistant part of the day. The complex was like zombie land. Nothing moved. The residents lived in the past. Both parents were in rehab and came out. I watched women waiting to die when my mother in law was put into assisted living. I'm dying in my bed. I told my kids that. The people who work in these places want the residents dead ASAP.
I’m sorry those experiences left you feeling this way. Quality varies so much, which is why visiting, asking hard questions, and planning early can matter. Home may be right for you, but every family’s situation is different.
My husband and I are in our mid-70s. We are in the process of creating an irrevocable trust with our daughter. We moved from Scottsdale, Arizona to Louisville, Kentucky to be closer to her. She is our only child. We are now a mile apart. We bought a condo garden home in a 48 home neighborhood. We're 95% of the people are retired. I have made close friends with a group here in this development. We go out to dinner regularly and play bunco, dominoes and cards together. I found a church that is supportive and people in the community go there as well. It is ideal for now. I continue to declutter and organize so my daughter will not have to deal with this and not have to go through probate as I did with my mother and brother.
What a thoughtful setup. Being close to your daughter, building a strong local community, and simplifying things now can make a huge difference later. It sounds like you’ve created a life that gives both connection and peace of mind. ❤️
This resonates with me. Wherever we choose to age, the goal should be the same: maintaining independence without losing connection.
Well said. Independence and connection aren’t opposites. We need both. ❤️
What a thoughtful article - having seen my mother fight it tooth and nail, I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to move whilst I’m still able to decide myself and not be ‘placed’ - I’m only 17 years behind her and she’s put me through hell with her demanding care and I’m not prepared to do that to my own darling son.
It’s nice to read the comments of people decluttering to save their children the task.
That sounds like a hard-earned decision. I’ve heard similar reflections from others who have been caregivers. Hopefully it gives you a chance to make the choice on your own terms. ❤️
So interesting. In 2020, we did move to a CCRC a bit sooner than planned after situating in The Villages in Florida two years. That is a 55+ community. Yes, they are different. Before the move to Florida, we did sell a couple of homes tied to work locations but kept a home in West Jefferson that we consistently returned to every summer/fall. Last summer we sold that home - I simply felt it was now time to do so and make the CCRC our year round home primarily for availability of healthcare options. This fall after we moved my husband was diagnosed with heart blockages and had double bypass surgery just before Thanksgiving. I was/am so grateful we are here! The community we are in is not isolated so we have access to many options and family. We live in an “independent living” home. Being able to afford the healthcare services is a benefit. I am grateful.
What a powerful reminder that timing matters. I’m so glad you had access to the care and support you needed when your husband faced that health scare. Thank you for sharing your experience, Susan. ❤️
You may have given me and my wife the push we need to consider alternatives to how we are aging now.
Thank you for sharing that, Robert. These conversations aren’t always easy to have, but I’m glad the article gave you and your wife something meaningful to think about!
This article forced me to think thoughts I did not want to think… Thank you! I needed a push!
I’m so happy to hear that! It means the article did exactly what I hoped it would, help bring those thoughts into the open.
.I have definitely considered this situation. If I end up living alone, I will likely need to consider a change. My family has lived in this property, which I inherited from my grandfather, for over 40 years. Our family history here goes back over a hundred years. Our children live nearby, approximately five miles away. I am familiar with the different levels of assisted living, as we guided my mother-in-law through those options.
This sounds like a thoughtful way to look at it. Having your children nearby and already being familiar with the options gives you more flexibility if your needs change down the road. For now, it sounds like you have strong roots exactly where you are.
If you're thinking of moving,imagine where you'd need to be in ten or more years time. The older you get,the more conveniences you'll need
'A note on money' - I look forward to the post where you cover that. I don't own a home. For 45 years, I've lived in an upper apartment in an old house on the outskirts of a good-sized village. I'd love to stay here, but I doubt I'll be able to because of the stairs, since I have knee and ankle issues. So, when I move, it will likely be to another apartment since I don't have the equity to afford to live in senior living. In the meantime, you've given me a lot to think about.
Thanks for sharing that, Maggie. It sounds like you’re thinking about this very realistically, and that’s a big part of planning well. I’m glad the article gave you a few things to consider, and I’ll definitely be writing more about the financial side too. ❤️
What a great article, so thought provoking! I am recently retired and now in my early 60's. I have been watching the decisions my mother-in-law, in her mid 80's, has been making. She has has been a wonderful model to follow because she has made decisions ahead of any emergencies. It has helped me with both my life plan and my financial plan. I have moves and downsizing built into my plans. The questions you have posed in the article will be questions I need to consider along the way to move those plans to actions.
I love that. It sounds like your mother-in-law has given you a real-world example of how much easier things can be when some of those decisions are made before they’re urgent. I’m glad the questions were helpful as you think through your own plans!
This is wonderfully thorough , thoughtful and positive information. Wish I could print it out to read and reread. It’s just what so many of us need. Thank you!
We moved to a CCRC and then left so have seen and considered both sides of the coin. There was much to recommend the community, especially the support services, many varied housing options and a very caring and interesting population. They get bad raps but a good one is a great option.
That said, the distance from our families, the regional and internal politics and extreme weather did not ultimately work for us. Back in my old community, I miss the connections. My old friends have mostly moved away or died. For now we can manage and I am trying to build new friendships. It would be easier if I enjoyed games. There is a organization called « Villages » (insert your town name first) which is an organization that offers support services and social opportunities designed to keep elders in their own homes. A great idea!
Thank you for sharing this- I really appreciate hearing from someone who’s experienced both sides. It sounds like there isn’t one right answer, it really depends on the community and on what matters most to each person. I hadn’t heard of Villages before, thank you for mentioning it.
We’ve been through this with our 90+ year old mothers over the last seven years. The contrast is stark - my mother/-in-law chose where she wanted to go (although admittedly forced to it by her children taking away the car) and seven years later sees it as home and is happy there even with serious dementia. My mother refused to leave her apartment despite increasing physical and mental difficulties- she detested the thought of a senior’s residence and said she would rather be put to sleep. Needless to say she ended up having a serious incident that put her in the hospital and was unable to return home. I found her the best place available but she hated it, didn’t understand where she was or why, and was miserable (and made me miserable) for the final two years of her life. My husband and I are already making the decisions about our future before we get there, determined not to put our son in the position I have been in.
My parents moved to a 55+ community after being snow birds for years. They watched their friends and neighbors die or move to assisted living. They lived to their late nineties with an assistant part of the day. The complex was like zombie land. Nothing moved. The residents lived in the past. Both parents were in rehab and came out. I watched women waiting to die when my mother in law was put into assisted living. I'm dying in my bed. I told my kids that. The people who work in these places want the residents dead ASAP.
I’m sorry those experiences left you feeling this way. Quality varies so much, which is why visiting, asking hard questions, and planning early can matter. Home may be right for you, but every family’s situation is different.
Of course. But what I’ve seen is that many children leave their parens out of the discussion while the parent was cognitively ok.
Excellent! Helpful!
I’m in total agreement.
Thank you for reading and commenting!